


and it hurts like hell

by alukaynium



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 2018-era, Angst and Tragedy, Bittersweet Ending, Blood and Injury, Car Accidents, Coma, Depression, Established Relationship, Family, Family Feels, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Serious Injuries, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23660422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alukaynium/pseuds/alukaynium
Summary: lee donghyuck’s life is like a movie, with as many cliches as one person could throw into it. he doesn’t know if he believes in god, not like mark does, but if some being from above does exist, donghyuck wants to ask them to go back, to stop throwing cliches into his life.to stop the car.to bring them back.but there’s no one who answers the frantic prayers donghyuck sends in every direction, no one to turn back the clocks and set things straight. no one to bring them back, and donghyuck is left drowning in this pool of nothingness. lee donghyuck’s life is like a movie, and he wishes that it wasn’t.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	1. how can i say this without breaking?

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own, nor do I claim ownership of any of these characters, settings, names, etc. The only characters I claim are the ones I created from the depths of my mind. Title for story and chapters are from "Hurts Like Hell" by Fleurie.
> 
> IMPORTANT: This story will deal with a very serious car crash, with multiple injuries and a lot of descriptions of said injuries. Someone dies in the crash as well. There will be a lot of scenes in hospitals, and multiple scenes that deal with the aftermath of such a traumatic event. Please keep these in mind, and if any of these are triggers or will cause mental problems for you, please do not read this story. Your health and safety is more important than words on a page. Please take care of yourself. If you want more information about the details to see if it will become a problem for you in the future, feel free to DM me on Twitter.

lee donghyuck’s life is like a movie. 

an ordinary kid who was offered the chance to be a part of something extraordinary and he took it. he became a trainee under one of the most successful companies in existence, and even got to debut. he gets along great with all of his members. he loves singing and dancing, even loves the exhaustion and stress that come along with being an idol. 

lee donghyuck’s life is like a movie, with as many cliches as one person could throw into it. he doesn’t know if he believes in god, not like mark does, but if some being from above does exist, donghyuck wants to ask them to go back, to stop throwing cliches into his life. 

to stop the car. to bring them back. 

but there’s no one who answers the frantic prayers donghyuck sends in every direction, no one to turn back the clocks and set things straight. no one to bring them back, and donghyuck is left drowning in this pool of nothingness. 

lee donghyuck’s life is like a movie, and he wishes that it wasn’t.

* * *

each unit has their own dorm since everyone’s schedules are so different. mark and donghyuck have rooms in the 127 and dream dorms, and shuffle between them depending on promotions. 

the 127 dorm is the biggest, logically, while the u and dream dorms have around the same space. no one ever actually  _ stays  _ in the u dorms once promotions are done; 127 have plenty of extra rooms for when potential members come over to get a feel for the group, so ever since “boss” promotions ended, yukhei, jungwoo, and kun all moved into the 127 dorms. ten has already lived there since the formation of 127. they still go back every week to clean the u dorms, but they don’t stay there anymore. even with the three additions, there were still a couple rooms for when the dreamies wanted to crash. 

no one is in any of the rooms right now. everyone is piled in the living room, those who couldn’t smush together on the couch or loveseat sprawled across the floor. there are more blankets than there are people, and the amount of pillows in the room could equip them to open their own store. the tv is playing an american movie, crisp subtitles lined up on the bottom of the screen. bowls of snacks and bottles of pop and water are placed carefully on the outskirts of the pile of boys where they couldn’t be spilled. 

it would be perfect, except not everyone is there. 

donghyuck is backed into one of the corners of the couch, chenle and jisung glued together on his other side, and jungwoo passed out near the stool propped in front of donghyuck. he can tell that his left leg has fallen asleep, and his right wrist is really beginning to throb, but he still unfolds his body once he sees johnny limp into the room. johnny locks eyes with donghyuck, looking ten years older than he should, and slightly shakes his head. no change. 

donghyuck sinks back into the cushions, mind numb. every fiber of energy he had drains from his skin, seeping into the cracks of the wooden floor, making a home right next to old juice stains and cracker crumbs. jisung lifts his head at the movement, wide eyes catching on donghyuck’s lax frame. 

“hyung?” his voice is quiet, just barely discernible above the noise of the action scene happening on the tv. “are they going to be okay?” 

the second question is unspoken, but just as impossible to answer:  _ are we going to be okay? _

donghyuck sighs, tries to focus on the movie, tries to ignore the pain behind his eyes, and slowly shifts his good hand to card through jisung’s hair. it’s greasy and tangled, and donghyuck’s hand is riddled with the pinpricks of blood flowing into his veins, but jisung melts into the crook of chenle’s neck. he’s nearly asleep before donghyuck responds. “i don’t know, sungie.” 

across the room, on the floor next to the loveseat, jaehyun curls johnny’s body into his lap, tucking the older’s head underneath his chin, careful to avoid the cast on his own leg as johnny settles into his chest. 

“i don’t know.” 

* * *

donghyuck and mark always sit together in whichever car they’re in—it’s an unspoken rule that no one dares to break. whether it’s dream or 127, donghyuck and mark are always shoulder to shoulder. well, save for those few months where they would strangle each other should they be within five feet of the other, but every other time, the rule still stood. 

it’s also common knowledge that donghyuck usually gets the window seat. he likes the feeling of his skull bouncing on the window when he leans on it—“that’s really weird, hyuck,” mark said one time, eyes twisting up into little crescents—and his phone is perpetually dying, so the car charger right next to him is constantly used. 

however, this was not a normal situation. the two of them had been fighting for weeks now, and no one knew the cause of it. at any case, once their concert finished, donghyuck was the first in the car, sitting his butt right in the aisle seat. when mark got on, his left eye had twitched upon spotting donghyuck, but he did one better and climbed over the younger, elbows in his face and knees clanking together. 

the two practically sat back to back, refusing to look or acknowledge one another. donghyuck talked with taeil in a louder-than-necessary tone while mark plugged his headphones in and tried his best to ignore the rest of the almost-silent vehicle. taeyong cut donghyuck off from talking, practically begging him to try and get some sleep. the maknae obeyed, not wanting to incur the wrath of their leader at such an ungodly hour. 

so he rested his head against the back of the seat, pushed away the thought of how warm mark felt next to him, and slowed his breathing. the next thing donghyuck remembers is being jolted out of sleep when mark suddenly wrapped him in his arms, mark’s back facing the window, the two of them chest to chest. for half a second, donghyuck was aware of mark’s lips moving next to his ears. he was just about to ask what the hell mark was doing when a sharp crack resonated in his mind. 

then the window exploded.


	2. i loved, and i loved, and i lost you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it took seconds—then it was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: graphic description of a car crash, and descriptions of the injuries sustained. If any of these will be a problem for you, please don't read this chapter.
> 
> chapter title from "hurts like hell" by fleurie

nct 127 dominates almost every single form of social media and news outlet for the next thirty-two hours. sm does their best to keep a chokehold on the majority of information until the entire ordeal is processed and dealt with, but people still manage to scrape the outline of the story together. 

a drunk driver ran a red light and t-boned one of the two cars carrying the 127 members. the second car couldn’t stop fast enough and the driver jerked the wheel, so the side of the vehicle slammed into the bumper of the car in front of them. the first car spiraled and tipped on its side, while the second car rolled once and skidded across the street. 

ambulances arrived on the scene minutes later. every person was taken to the hospital for treatment. the managers and drivers of the cars survived with a couple of broken bones and a lot of bruises. one member was pronounced dead at the scene, while four were in intensive care. the other five had varying degrees of injuries, with all of them supposedly being able to leave the hospital by the end of the month. no one knew what member suffered what injuries. 

all anyone knew was that nct 127 was going to be out of commission for a long, long time, if not permanently. 

* * *

donghyuck wants to go back in time and push the creator of twitter into a vat of boiling tar. or at the very least, set their house on fire. maybe push their father off a cliff or have their mother sterilized. anything to prevent this godforsaken bird app from ever existing. 

all he wants is to spend ten seconds without being reminded of everything that’s happened in the past few days, but every single time that _ding_ pierces the air, everything comes back in a whoosh. 

the thing is, his phone is off. it’s all the machines around him that are making the sounds that pull him back into reality. it also doesn’t help that his mother has taken to talking to fill the silence between mechanical accompaniment. she talks about anything and everything: how the weather is, their new neighbors, the outrageous price of shrimp at the supermarket. 

“eomma, please shut up.” 

his mother snaps her mouth shut, hurt blooming across her frail face, but donghyuck doesn’t care. nothing matters to him anymore—not the dull throbbing in his wrist and ankle, not all of the news sites scrambling make half-decent articles for clout, not about what’s going to happen when he leaves this bed. he may have made it out of the crash alive, but something in him died the second his family was mutilated. 

* * *

one week after the crash, sm finally releases their official statement. they apologize for the wait, explaining that they wanted all of the legal chores and medical logistics dealt with before they involved the public. 

the drunk driver survived and will be charged with vehicular manslaughter among other charges, as well as being sued for all he’s worth. the managers and drivers in the cars will be okay in time, with several broken bones, sprains, and lacerations spread out across the four of them. 

kim jungwoo suffered a couple of cracked ribs and a fractured collarbone. he will have surgery to realign his collarbone. 

seo johnny has a major concussion and nerve damage. doctors predict he will suffer from foot drop for the rest of his life. 

jung jaehyun sustained a broken femur and a sprained left wrist. 

dong sicheng suffered from a monteggia fracture on his left arm, as well as friction burns on the side of his neck from his seatbelt. 

lee donghyuck’s right ankle and foot were shattered, as well as his right wrist. he underwent reconstructive surgery, expected to make as full of a recovery as he can, but he will walk with a limp for the rest of his life. 

some of moon taeil’s ribs cracked and punctured one of his lungs, causing it to collapse. the doctors also warned that he probably sustained brain damage that they won’t be able to fully assess until further along in his recovery process. 

kim doyoung sustained a large gash on his left arm, as well as a shattered wrist and ulna on the same arm. he lost a lot of blood, and he could lose his forearm if infection is to set in post-surgery. 

nakamoto yuta suffered a thoracic spinal injury. he will be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. 

lee mark was dealt severe brain damage among a broken leg and major blood loss. he was put into a medically-induced coma in order to save his life. it is unsure if he will ever wake up. 

lee taeyong was sat behind the passenger seat in the van, the first person to be hit by the drunk driver and he took the brunt of the damage because of that. it was quick—his head twisted a little too much, his chest angled just the right way for him to be pinned and unable to move. his cerebral spine had been snapped like a chopstick. the doctors said he felt nothing. it took seconds—then it was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many of you thought i was going to kill mark? sound off in the comments.
> 
> let me know what you thought of this chapter! i love hearing feedback and comments, so feel free to leave some. thank you for reading, and i hope you have a nice day.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)  
> 


	3. take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just looking around the room sinks a stone in donghyuck’s gut. his members—his brothers—are broken. he doesn’t even want to think about the elephant in the room—the one person missing that they’ll never get back. his name and memory don’t belong in such a hellish landscape. 
> 
> none of them belong here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "everything we had" by the academy is...

doyoung is going to lose his arm. 

the doctors tried their best, but infection set in after the surgery. the wound had been exposed for too long, and parts of the bone had to be completely removed in order for any sort of proper healing to take place. the surgery they performed slowed it down, but the medicine wasn’t enough to kill off the infection fast enough to stop it spreading. if they let it go on any longer, he could lose a lot more, so they made the executive decision to try and salvage as much as they could. 

doyoung tries to put on a brave face, says he doesn’t care and jabs that he’ll still be a better dancer than half of them, but donghyuck can see past the feeble walls he’s thrown up. everyone who could get out of bed—johnny, jaehyun, sicheng, jungwoo, and donghyuck—rushed to doyoung’s room the second they were given the news. 

it’s a tight fit, as intensive care rooms don’t typically garner that much space besides what’s necessary, but they make it work. doyoung’s arm is wrapped up in so much gauze it looks comical, and resting on two pillows that the nurses have stuffed in the side of the bed. the members sit in silence, no one really knowing what to say. 

just looking around the room sinks a stone in donghyuck’s gut. his members—his _brothers_ —are broken. jungwoo is wearing a neck brace and limping. johnny is using crutches, and his right foot is just sort of splayed in front of him. jaehyun has to use a wheelchair, like donghyuck is, until the pain is bearable enough to use crutches. sicheng’s face is marred by the giant bruise on the right side from where he slammed into the wall of the car, the purples and blues contrasting harshly with the white bandages on his neck. doyoung looks paler than donghyuck’s ever seen him, eyes red from crying that he refuses to admit to. 

and that’s just everyone in the room, not even mentioning the fact that yuta will never be able to walk again, that taeil can't say more than four or five words at a time, that mark might never wake up. donghyuck doesn’t even want to think about the elephant in the room—the one person missing that they’ll never get back. it feels too much like sacrilege to talk about him here, in this room of white tiles and the scent of antiseptic burning their nostrils. his name and memory don’t belong in such a hellish landscape. 

none of them belong here.

* * *

donghyuck’s ankle is fixed first. the doctor tells him that the procedure is called an ankle fracture open reduction and internal fixation. they put him to sleep and cut his ankle open. they realign the bones and put metal screws and pins to secure the pieces together, ending by stitching the muscles and skin back together. it’s the same story on his wrist, which the doctors operate on two days after his ankle. 

his first procedure took place one day after the car crash. this also means that donghyuck spends three days in a haze of anesthesia and operation tables while everyone else is awake and aware of what has happened. by the time he fully comes out of the cloud of his last surgery, the news had spread everywhere. 

jaehyun is by his bedside when he wakes up. the older is sitting in a wheelchair, one of his legs propped up and covered with a cast, as well as a brace on his wrist. donghyuck takes one look at his hyung’s eyes before a cold feeling settles in his stomach. “what happened? where is everyone?” 

jaehyun doesn’t flinch at donghyuck’s questions, but his eyebrows twitch and his bottom lip quivers. “it was a drunk driver. he hit the van and caused a domino collision.” 

“where is everyone, hyung? are they okay?” donghyuck asks again, the slimy feeling of dread settling in his stomach. 

jaehyun takes a deep breath before resting his good hand on donghyuck’s good leg. “johnny, sicheng, and jungwoo are all okay. johnny-hyung is getting a brace fitted for his foot, and the other two are with the others.” 

“what about the others?” donghyuck feels like he can't breathe, his chest getting tighter and tighter the longer jaehyun takes to respond. 

“taeil-hyung had one of his lungs punctured, and he also has some brain damage. the doctors aren’t sure how much yet, but they know it'll be permanent. doyoung-hyung might lose his arm, and yuta-hyung can’t move his legs.” 

there’s silence in the room for what feels like centuries before donghyuck can finally speak again, his tongue dryer than sandpaper. “that’s not everyone, hyung.” 

“i know,” jaehyun says. his voice isn’t much louder than the machines beeping in the room. “mark…mark got hit pretty hard in the head. the doctors said that he’s lucky to even be alive right now, but they don’t think he’s ever going to wake up.” 

donghyuck feels as if someone has just dumped ice-cold water all over him, chills climbing his arms and spine. the ringing in his ears gets louder by the second, and he just knows that there are tears falling on his cheeks, yet he can’t feel them. he can see jaehyun shaking, can see his lips attempting to form words, but no sound coming out. donghyuck moves his good hand over jaehyun’s, squeezing it as hard as he could. 

“taeyong-hyung,” jaehyun begins, shaky and unsteady, “had his head hit even harder. he…he died on impact. they said he didn’t feel any pain. it was over in seconds.” 

that didn’t give donghyuck any comfort; in fact, it made it worse. someone took the life of his leader, his _hyung,_ within seconds. taeyong didn’t deserve that. 

none of them deserve this. 

donghyuck feels numb as he tilts his head back to stare at the ceiling. his hyung had so much to live for, so much left to do. and he’s gone. just like that, someone who was so bright, so powerful, rendered into nothing but memories. he can hear jaehyun sobbing by his bedside, but only barely over the sound of a single word ricocheting off the walls of his mind: _why?_

* * *

for some reason, mark never got cold. it was just one of those things that all of nct was aware of. the only way for mark to feel any sort of chill was for it to be in the single digits. donghyuck used to tease him, poking at his bare shoulders and chanting, “canada,” while the rest of them were all bundled up during the winter. mark would always roll his eyes and dance away from donghyuck as he tried to stick his icy hands down his shirt. after they’d had their fun, mark would hold donghyuck’s hands between his own, blowing warm air on them and rubbing them in order to stimulate blood flow. 

it was their thing—one of the many “things” they had going on. however, the roles are now reversed. now it’s donghyuck’s turn to have his hands warm while mark’s are ice cold. he wonders why mark ever put up with him, why he ever put up with the discomfort of holding donghyuck’s hands when they felt like pure ice. it’s not fun, but he can’t let go. he already let go once, and look at where everyone ended up. 

he traces small circles around the iv stuck into mark’s arm, occasionally brushing his hair back even though it hasn’t moved since the last time he smoothed it. mark looks unusually pale, skin pallid and vaguely translucent. donghyuck can’t remember the last time mark has ever looked so _small,_ and he hates it. 

he hates the smell of the hospital; he hates the misery soaked into every crevice of every room he’s allowed in; he hates the pitying stares, the sympathetic words; and, most of all, he _hates_ the doctors and nurses. they’re just doing their jobs, he knows that, but it’s hard not to resent them when there hasn’t been a singular piece of good news from their mouths since they landed in the hospital. it’s a constant stream of pain and bad news and donghyuck can’t take it anymore. 

“the funeral’s tomorrow, hyung,” donghyuck says. “i’m sorry that you won’t be able to come. i’m sure that taeyong-hyung would understand. he’d want you to stay here, where you need to be.” 

the only response donghyuck gets is a soft blip from one of the many machines surrounding the older boy’s bed. 

“you’re not the only one, though. doyoung-hyung and yuta-hyung can’t come either. the doctors cleared taeil-hyung, but only for however long the funeral takes. i'm not sure it matters, though, because he can't even recognize taeyong-hyung. it's something called 'prosopagnosia.' he can identify us by voices, but if he looks at our faces, he doesn't know who we are. he also can't really talk. on a good day, he can say full sentences, but he has to think about each word. there are some words he can't remember, now matter how many times he's used them before. yesterday, he couldn't figure out how to say 'food.'” 

mark’s chest rises up and down, up and down, like clockwork, ten seconds for each cycle. donghyuck focuses his gaze on their interlocked hands, comparing the two. his skin is darker and smoother, fingers tipped with longer nails, while mark’s hand is the color of the sheets he’s laying on, more prominent knuckles and skinnier fingers, the nails chewed off to a point. 

that’s one habit that multiple members of nct have tried to break mark of because he asked them too. ever since mark was a little kid, he used to chew off his nails without thinking, leaving behind multiple little scars and sensitive skin. he had tried everything—nail polish, bandaids, hand sanitizer, gloves—but nothing really worked for him. the only solution that had decent results was donghyuck’s method, which included slapping mark’s hand away from his mouth and taking a hold of it. 

he had been free from his nail-biting habit for nearly seven months. donghyuck knows that it was their fight that forced mark to go back to his old ways, and the taste that the realization leaves in his throat is revolting. it tastes like guilt and bile, responsibility and copper. it’s the only thing he’s been able to taste since the crash. 

donghyuck is jolted out of his thoughts as a nurse shuffles in with a clipboard and a sorry look aimed at him. it’s time for a vital check and round of medicine, which means donghyuck needs to go back to his room. he steals one more look at mark, squeezing his hand as tightly as he can manage, praying to any deity that may exist that mark would just put an end to this pain and squeeze back. 

mark’s hand remains still and unmoving, and donghyuck lets go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought of this chapter. comments and kudos make my day, so feel free to leave some. thank you for reading, and i hope you have a nice day.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)  
> 


	4. i told myself that i could be strong; i was so sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “i love him, hyung. i love him, and i told him to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own, nor do I claim ownership of any of these characters, settings, names, etc. The only characters I claim are the ones I created from the depths of my mind. Title for chapter is from "I Was So Sure" by Former Vandal.

the company decides that the surviving members of the car crash should get some professional help during their hiatus. none of them particularly want to, but none of them get the choice. one of their managers comes into the dorm and delivers the information to them. jaehyun grips johnny’s hands, and sicheng tries to melt into the couch. donghyuck leaves the room, not looking back even when the manager calls his name. 

it takes a bit of time for them to arrange it, as the company doesn’t want all of them to go to the exact same person in the hopes of getting them all better quicker. so they find five separate therapists and double them up: jaehyun and taeil; johnny and doyoung; jungwoo and yuta; mark and sicheng; and donghyuck gets one all to himself. 

lucky him. 

his first appointment is on a thursday, and it approaches far faster than he ever wanted it to. a manger picked him up from the dorm, worry evident on his face as he watched donghyuck slowly hobble to the door, the rest of the inhabitants either quietly sitting at the table or missing from the equation entirely. the therapist’s office isn’t too far away from their dorm, but the driver does his usual ploy of driving aimlessly around for a bit to make sure they’re not being followed, so it’s roughly half an hour before they park in front of an unassuming blue house. 

donghyuck pulls his hoodie closer to his body when he steps out, eyes focused firmly on the sidewalk leading to the house. it’s warm inside the house, with a small waiting area in the main part, chairs situated in a semicircle with a table breaking up the flow. the table is ladened with magazines and hand-held puzzles, presumably for the therapist’s younger patients. donghyuck settles into a chair, ignoring how stiff the cushion feels against his back, and fixes his eyes on the door close to the entrance. it’s closed, but he knows that behind it is the person he’s expected to spill all of his secrets and hardships to. it’s disconcerting, to say the least. he doesn’t even know her name. 

the door cracks open to reveal a tall, wiry woman with short black hair and thin-framed glasses. she smiles at donghyuck and his manager, head tilting just so slightly as she does so. “i’m presuming you are lee donghyuck-ssi?” 

donghyuck nods stiffly. 

“great. you can come on in.” 

standing up feels like he’s a doll that someone else has to move, joints slowly extending and limbs heavier than lead. nevertheless, he follows her into the room. there’s a desk in the corner, and bookshelves in two of the other corners. a couch is settled against the wall opposite to the desk, and a chair is nestled between the two sets of bookshelves. despite the abundance of furniture on the floor, the ceiling is high, giving the entire room a lofty feel. donghyuck sits on the corner of the couch closest to the door, grabbing the nearest pillow to sink his fingers into. it’s white and fluffy, and donghyuck has to resist the feeling to smush his face into the fabric. 

his therapist sits in her own office chair and spins to face him, placing her laptop down on her lap right after she crosses her legs. “hello, donghyuck-ssi. i’m doctor song, although you can just call me ‘eunji-ssi’ if that makes you feel more comfortable. if not, eunji-sunbae is fine. we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, so i want you to be as comfortable as you can around me. do not think of me as a doctor, but as a friend.” 

donghyuck nods, eyes focused on the lid of her laptop, which is covered in different stickers. there are some princess fighting monsters, and living thunderclouds having tea with glittery kittens. it’s chaotic and haphazard and full of life. 

eunji must notice where his eyes are at, because her next words pull donghyuck out of his stupor. “these are from my daughter. she loves to decorate every surface in our house with stickers. i’ve had to stop buying them because of how many we have.” 

donghyuck gives her a little smile, the image of a spunky little girl with lopsided pigtails and a gap-toothed grin running through his mind. as quickly as the image came, it went and left him with a sinking feeling. would he ever have kids? did he even want them? something told him he would, eventually, but would he ever get the chance? would mark even want kids? would mark even want to be with him long enough to consider that?

“donghyuck-ssi? why are you crying?” 

donghyuck lifts his head, eyes squinting at eunji as he paws at his cheeks. they’re wet, and his chin is still dripping with the remnants of his tears. huh. “i don’t know.” 

eunji’s eyes are small, even smaller as she squints at donghyuck. “were you thinking about mark-ssi?” 

donghyuck straightens up, his own eyes narrowing into somewhat of a glare as his grip tightens on the pillow in his lap. “look, i don’t really want to be here, and i don’t really wanna talk to you. sorry.” 

eunji sits back in her chair, face carefully blank as her eyes roam donghyuck’s figure. “forgive me for being forward, but i don’t think that’s the truth. i’ve seen people who truly don’t want to talk, and they resist a lot more than you have been. they typically overcompensate for what they hide or refuse to discuss, or they flat out begin yelling at me. even right now, your body language doesn’t display discomfort—well, it didn’t until i mentioned mark-ssi.” 

“how do you even know about him?” donghyuck couldn’t help but be defensive. eunji looks a little like she’s trying not to smile, but it’s not amused—it’s sad, almost pitying. donghyuck wants to smack it off her face. 

“donghyuck-ssi,” she says carefully, almost like she’s trying not to offend him, “you’ve been all over the news.” 

oh, right. in the haze of his grief and everything that’s been happening, donghyuck has sort of forgotten that he’s technically a celebrity, that there are people thousands of miles away mourning just like he is. 

“did you know us before the crash?” donghyuck goes back to petting the pillow to calm his nerves, keeping his eyes away from eunji’s face. 

“i’d heard a couple of your songs, i will admit,” she says, “but i never really knew your names until the crash. but i don’t want to talk about all of that right now.” 

“really?” donghyuck asks, lifting his head finally to look at her. 

her face is kind and open, no scrap of judgement of pity playing across her features. “i will want to eventually come back to everything that happened, because that is why your company decided to have you come to me, but i don’t expect you to start spilling your feelings to a complete stranger. i want us to get to know each other before we delve into everything.” 

“but i know my company brought me here to get ‘better’ as soon as i can.” donghyuck flexes his fingers in quotation marks in the air when he says “better,” making it more than clear what he thinks of that idea. 

“but my client isn’t your company—it’s you. i might be paid by them, but whatever information you tell me will not go back to them. the only way i will speak of what happens in our sessions is if i feel like you are going to put yourself or someone else into mortal danger. until i feel the need to enforce that, what happens between these four walls is only between us. you’re safe here. do you understand?” 

donghyuck hugs the pillow closer, but he meets her eyes and nods. 

“good.” eunji turns in her chair, grabbing a small box of cards off the corner of her desk before brandishing them to donghyuck. “now, this is called the ungame. each card has a question or a prompt on it, and when you draw it, you will answer it. the only rule is that when the other person is talking, you cannot speak. there are also wild cards in here in which you can think up a question or ask the other person any question you want to. do you want to play?” 

donghyuck nods again and puts the pillow to the side. 

eunji gives him a small grin and shuffles the cards. “then let’s get started.”

* * *

“donghyuck, please.” 

donghyuck can hear the plea in johnny’s voice, but he doesn’t turn around to face him. “no.” the buildings outside of his window gleam in the light of the rising sun. it’s pretty. 

“hyuck—“ 

“i don’t wanna go back.” mark could probably write a great song about the view, his mouth braiding words the same way donghyuck’s fingers would with mark’s hair when he was bored. 

“well, you can’t stay here.” 

“yes, i can.” taeyong could’ve written an even better one. 

_ “no,  _ you can’t. you’re being discharged, whether you like it or not. even if we have to drag you out of here, you’re coming home.” it’s that statement that has donghyuck whipping around, eyes finding johnny’s concerned face almost immediately. 

“that place is _not_ home,” he spits. “it will never _be_ home; not anymore. my home is here, connected to so many machines that i have a hard time believing he’s even alive anymore. and until i can take my home with me, _i’m not leaving.”_

“what the fuck are we then?” johnny asks, voice loud and edged with ire. “what about the rest of us? do we mean anything to you?” 

the room is suspended in silence for a long time. the anger begins to dissipate from donghyuck, slowly leaking tension out of his shoulders and arms as he stares at the hurt in johnny’s eyes. “i’m didn’t mean it that way, hyung.” 

“i know you didn’t, hyuckie.” johnny takes a large breath. “i know that you miss mark, that you  _ love _ him, but there’s nothing you can do right now. they need you back at the dorms. the dreamies miss you. everyone does.” 

donghyuck wraps his hands around his elbows, tucking his arms in close to his body. “how can i leave him? i’m the reason he’s in here. it’s my fault. i can’t just abandon him again.” 

donghyuck hears johnny stepping forward, tennis shoes squeaky against the tile floor, and feels his trembling hands come to rest on his biceps. “hyuck, please look at me.” 

when donghyuck lifts his head, his eyes catch on the stubble on johnny’s chin, the bags underneath his eyes, and the raw red skin of his lips. he looks like hell on earth, and donghyuck is sure that if he were to look in a mirror, his appearance would be similar. “you are  _ not _ the reason that mark is in the hospital. you can’t blame yourself for something you didn’t know was going to happen. do you think it would’ve been any different had you two not been fighting?” 

his silence is answer enough. 

“then why are you torturing yourself so much when you know there’s nothing you could’ve done?” 

“the last thing i told him was to get the fuck away from me.” donghyuck looks up to see johnny’s face go slack. “after the concert, he tried to grab my hand, but i pulled away. i don’t even remember what we were fighting about, but he was my best friend, and i told him to fuck off and die.” 

“but he was more than that, wasn’t he?” johnny whispers. 

donghyuck can feel the ball of blistering heat in his chest expand until there’s no more room left and it explodes, covering his ribs and heart with the kind of molten lava that makes him want to curl up in a ball and throw up until he feels nothing anymore. he wish he felt nothing, just like mark. just floating in an endless sea of nothingness with no pain and no memory of those he leaves behind. 

“i love him, hyung,” donghyuck says. his voice cracks and his tongue feels like it’s bleeding. “i love him, and i told him to  _ die _ . what if he  _ does? _ how could i ever face his parents? how can i face you guys?” 

johnny carefully folds him into a hug, hands running up and down his back. “oh, hyuckie.” 

donghyuck hiccups a sob into johnny’s chest, clutching at his hoodie with desperate hands. “i love him, hyung. i love him so much. i can’t live without him, i can’t—“ 

“shhh,” johnny whispers. the crack in his voice is the only hint that he’s crying alongside donghyuck. “he knows, hyuck. i promise you that he knows.”

it’s a long time before either of them stop crying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so, so sorry that this chapter was so late coming out. i had my last few days of school, and then a lot of things came up in my life that prevented me from getting this chapter out. i promise i will upload again on tuesday, so please keep an eye out for that, and thank you for keeping with me even throughout the waiting period. i hope this longer chapter was able to make up for it. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)   
> 


	5. and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “na…” taeil swiped his fingers over jaemin’s cheeks, flicking away tears. he opened his mouth, tongue darting as he tries to say what he wants to. “not…………mad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: if you have been keeping up with this story, please, PLEASE go back and read the previous chapters again. i added some new details that will be heavily discussed in this chapter. if you don't want to go back, here's the tl;dr: i changed taeil's spinal damage to brain damage, which one part of will be further explained in this chapter, but the second part to it is explained in chapter 3. 
> 
> chapter title is from "youth" by daughter.

donghyuck pulls his fingers from his mouth once taeil appears in the doorway. he rubs his fingers over the newly-bitten nails, smoothing the rough edges as a nurse wheels his hyung closer. ten and jaemin move beside him, standing up as well once they see taeil. donghyuck is technically supposed to be resting right now, but he refuses not to see taeil come back to the dorm, especially when he’s one of the only people who understands. he steps forward, shooting a look at the other two. they nod and stay put. 

johnny had briefed everyone back at the dorm yesterday on taeil’s situation. his chest tube was taken out a few days ago, so he was cleared to return to the dorm so long as they promised to keep him on bedrest and make sure he doesn’t strain himself. they picked up his oxygen and prescribed medications yesterday, rearranging his room so that it’s easier for someone to take care of him, and tried to remove anything that would cause him frustration,  because beyond his lung, he’s suffering from something called broca’s aphasia. 

this aphasia is more typically seen in stroke victims, but the doctors informed them that brain trauma can cause it as well. taeil is still himself, still with the memories and knowledge he had previously. the only problem is that he can’t express himself because his connection with language has been mangled. his comprehension is relatively the same, but it takes him a long time to produce the word he wants to, and so far, he hasn’t said a sentence that consists of more than four words. he also can’t find the right words to say most of the time. whenever someone asks him to speak, or he wants to say something, it only takes a minute or two before he shuts his mouth out of frustration and refuses to say anything else. 

the doctor told them that with speech therapy, he can improve, but it will take years, and he will never be able to retain the same hold on words that he used to have. writing and reading will also be difficult, although able to be strengthened through therapy. the doctors scheduled his first appointment one week from taeil’s discharge date in order to give him a chance to settle into the dorms again. 

all of the members had looked completely stricken at the news johnny relayed, except for doyoung, who had been home for a week and a half already. however, when johnny asked for volunteers to pick him up, all hands were raised. johnny only chose ten and jaemin so taeil wouldn’t be overwhelmed, but promised that there would be a mass-movie party if taeil felt up to it. later that night, donghyuck approached johnny separately and told him he was going, no ifs, ands, or buts. johnny just nodded and pulled the younger into a hug. donghyuck slept with him in his bed that night, and it was probably the best night’s sleep he’s gotten in a long time. 

donghyuck shakes his head and focuses back on taeil. his eyes are unfocused, squinting angrily at the three faces swimming in front of him. his lips separate as he obviously tries to begin saying something, but donghyuck beats him to it. 

“hi, hyung.” donghyuck knows that taeil would be asking who they were, but he also knows that he probably wouldn’t be able to find the right words to say so. “it’s me, donghyuck. i’m the one wearing the red hoodie.” 

the fog in taeil’s eyes clears up as his lips stretch into a smile. donghyuck mimics his smile back at him, leaning down to hug him, careful of the cast on his own wrist. taeil’s arms form a weak circle around donghyuck’s shoulders, but he grips hard, like he never wants to let go again. donghyuck doesn’t want to either, until he hears a whimper from behind him. he slowly pulls from taeil’s embrace, twisting to look behind his shoulder. 

jaemin has buried his face in his hands, while ten can only stare blankly at the wheelchair, the nasal cannula, the bandage over his forearm that hides the marks from the iv taeil was hooked up to in the icu. the confusion returns to taeil’s face as he sees the others behind donghyuck. his cheeks pink as he tries to say something, but nothing comes out. 

“jaemin-ah and ten-hyung are here with me, hyung. jaemin is wearing the blue jacket with the white patches, and ten is wearing the gray sweatpants and black shirt.”  donghyuck motions for jaemin and ten to speak. 

ten steps up first, crouching down to grab taeil’s free hand since the other one has formed an iron grip around donghyuck’s. “it’s me, hyung, ten. i’ve really missed you.” 

taeil nods at him, eyes pleading for ten to be able to understand what he is trying to say without words. 

_me too._

ten stands up again to wrap his arms around taeil, which is when he lets go of donghyuck. donghyuck moves towards jaemin. the younger still has his face hidden, shoulders shaking with the tears he’s trying to hide. 

“c’mon, nana,” donghyuck whispers, pulling his fingers away from his face. “hyung wants to see you, too.” 

jaemin doesn’t look up from the ground, but he allows donghyuck to guide him closer to taeil. ten has taken the nurse’s place behind taeil’s wheelchair, leaving taeil open for jaemin. jaemin takes one look at taeil’s face, sees the blankness, and falls to his knees. he rests his forehead on taeil’s knees, crying into the sweatpants he was wearing. 

“i’m sorry, hyung,” he hiccups. “i’m so sorry.” 

when the crash happened, all of the members not in the vans had been given the choice of whether they wanted to come to the hospital or not. jaemin refused to visit the hospital—not because he didn’t love his members, but because he already had bad memories there. he was afraid that if he saw mark hooked up to all those machines, saw taeil with a tube in his chest, or saw doyoung getting fitted for his prosthetic, he would have a panic attack. no one blamed him for his decision, but jaemin blamed himself. 

when doyoung came home, he cried in his arms for an hour, repeatedly apologizing. he had been obsessively clingy when donghyuck came home, refusing to separate for anything but bathroom breaks. however, besides mark and yuta, taeil was been the member jaemin had gone the longest without seeing, and for someone so fixated on physical affection, it was hell for him. 

taeil’s face scrunches up as he curls a hand around jaemin’s shoulder. 

“na…” he croaks. jaemin shoots his head up, teary eyes making contact with taeil’s. taeil swiped his fingers over jaemin’s cheeks, flicking away tears. he opened his mouth, tongue darting as he tries to say what he wants to. “not…………mad.” 

jaemin hiccups again, so loud and sharp it must be painful, and grips taeil’s knees. taeil begins to drag his hand through jaemin’s hair, soothing the younger as best as he can. donghyuck feels ten wrap an arm around his waist, and he leans into the embrace. for the first time since the crash, donghyuck feels the slightest bit hopeful about the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i said i would get this chapter up on tuesday? hahahahahahaha....yeah....let's move past that. i've done some more research, so i'll be adding some new elements to the story that i originally didn't plan on. that'll be fun. and i hope i did taeil and his aphasia justice. that's the reason i didn't upload yesterday--i spent a long time researching the best way to express it and how it would affect him and the story. i felt kinda bad because i wasn't giving taeil as much love as doyoung and yuta, so i wanted to spice it up. and i know it doesn't seem like love, but trust me, it is. this way i can spend more time with him :) 
> 
> this was originally supposed to be taeil coming home as well as more donghyuck therapy, but that will come in a second chapter this week (payment for how long i've made you wait). this one ended up longer than i expected, but i really wanted to focus on taeil and his new developments. i hope that's okay.
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading, and let's hope i can get on a normal schedule again, lol. if you have any suggestions you'd like to bring to me, or questions, feel free to leave it in a comment or contact me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)  
> if you have questions or if you wanna show me some love over there. also feel free to leave comments if you want to. they make my day. thank you once again.


	6. i'm not ready to live without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “do you blame yourself, donghyuck-ssi? do you blame yourself for mark-ssi’s injuries?” 
> 
> "yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from "without you" by for king & country

“it’s been almost a month and a half since the car crash, correct? how are your members doing?” 

eunji continues eye contact with him, but donghyuck can see her fingers poised on her keyboard. he’s fine with it—she’s done the same thing throughout the past two sessions he’s had. 

“uh, taeil-hyung came home yesterday,” donghyuck says, fingers playing with the same white pillow he’s hugged during every one of his sessions. 

“do you mind reminding me what injuries he suffered?” 

“he had a punctured lung, but that’s healed pretty well. he only has a couple more weeks on his oxygen tank, which he is super excited for. other than that, though, he had a brain injury that left him with prosopagnosia and broca’s aphasia.” 

“can you explain what those are?” 

“the prosopagnosia means he can’t recognize faces anymore. he can tell us apart by voices and our outfits, but faces are just sort of a blank spot in his mind. and then the aphasia prevents him from speaking a lot. he has a hard time finding the right words to say, and an even harder time saying them. he understands everything; it’s just that expressing it himself is really difficult now.” 

eunji’s fingers fly across her keyboard, gaze focused downward, but donghyuck can see that her eyes are soft. “that must be really difficult for him. how is he dealing with it?” 

“he gets really frustrated sometimes when he can’t find the right words to say, and especially when a lot of people are talking at once, but he’s getting more used to it, and we’re figuring out how to best talk with him.” 

donghyuck trails his eyes around the room, visually tracing the details of the wallpaper. “all of us make a point to talk to him in the morning so he knows what outfits each of us are wearing, so the prosopagnosia hasn’t really been that difficult. it’s mainly the aphasia that he’s having trouble with.” 

“has he seen any sort of speech therapist about it?” eunji asks. 

“yeah. he actually had his third appointment a couple of days ago. no one younger than jaehyun-hyung is allowed to go with him, though, so i don’t know how they’re going.” 

eunji squints at that, tilted her head slightly while her fingers begin playing with the loose edge of an obnoxiously pink puppy sticker on her laptop. “i’m assuming that’s because your hyungs don’t want you to see taeil-ssi in that situation. it must be very difficult to have to relearn how to speak.” 

“it’s actually taeil-hyung who didn’t want us to see him like that,” donghyuck corrects. “none of us think of him any differently, but he thinks of himself differently, and he doesn’t like us seeing what he refers to as his ‘angry’ side.” 

“that’s understandable,” eunji hums. she straightens up, stretches to pop her back, then leans into her chair once again. “what about your other hyungs? how are they faring?” 

donghyuck pulls a hairband off his wrist and stretches it with his fingers while his eyes focus on one of the many paintings adorning the wall. “doyoung-hyung has been trying out some different prosthetics with the physical therapist. since it was just his forearm that he lost, he’s been trying to decide whether to go with a passive prosthetic or an electrically-powered one.” 

“do you mind explaining the difference to me?” 

“well, from what hyung’s told me, a passive one is designed more for aesthetic purposes. you can pose the wrist, elbow, and fingers to help you, but it’s supposed to look like you never lost an arm in the first place. the electrically powered one has batteries in it and kinda detects signals from the body in order to move. they’re more expensive, and typically look more ‘roboty,’ but the company has offered to pay for whatever prosthetic he wants. probably so he can perform once he finishes enough therapy.” 

eunji lifts an eyebrow at that statement. “perform? so you guys are still a group?” 

donghyuck shrugs. the hairband snaps against his fingers. “technically, yes. nct is still a group, but nct 127 is on indefinite hiatus. however, knowing sm, once enough of us are fully recovered, they’ll probably try to get us in shape and get us to promote again.” 

“why do you think that is? it seems like they’ve been pretty understanding throughout these trials.” 

“that’s the thing.” donghyuck scoffs a little and adjusts the hairband back around his wrist, fingers traveling to toy with a thread coming from a seam in his pants. “they’ve been supportive from the outside, but nothing’s changed. a couple days ago, one of the higher ups called johnny-hyung in and tried to convince him to become nct 127’s new leader.” 

eunji jolted a tiny bit, fingers pausing on her keyboard. “so soon? i can’t imagine he reacted well to that.” 

“you could hear the screaming from probably any place in the building.” 

honestly, johnny hadn’t been that loud, but donghyuck had been outside, and his hyung hadn’t needed volume to get his point across. 

_(“taeyong is our leader. i don’t fucking care what the company or anyone else says, that fact will never change.”_

_“taeyong-ssi is dead, and we need to accept that and move on—“ “_

_move on? you want me to move on from the death of one of my best friends? you want me to sit back and say, ‘okay, ruin my life and ruin taeyong’s memory because all you fucking care about is money?’ fuck no. i would rather leave the group than be named its new leader. and if you even_ think _about trying to make me or anyone else the leader of nct, i will sell out every shitty secret this company has kept hidden for the highest possible dollar, and i will use the money to take my brothers and leave you to suffer in the hell you made for yourself.”)_

“it’s safe to say that they’re gonna leave us alone for the time being, but i doubt it’ll be long before they bring it up again.” 

“and what about you?” 

“what do you mean?” donghyuck asks. 

“well,” eunji hums, “what do you think will happen with your group?” 

ah.

there’s that question donghyuck has been expecting to come up since he’s started talking with eunji. and the question that donghyuck has been avoiding since the moment he woke up in the hospital. 

“i honestly don’t know. best case scenario, doyoung-hyung will be able to continue promoting with his prosthetic, but that still means we’ll be down four members.” 

the rug on the floor is a light gray with dark blue floral details. it looks soft and plush, like it’d be comfortable to lay down on. the breath donghyuck takes into his lungs feels wrong and tastes like dust. “we only had two rappers in 127. one of them is dead. the other one might never wake up. we can’t go on—not physically and not emotionally—but our company doesn’t care about that. they sunk a bunch of money into us and they’re gonna wanna get that money back. and in their minds, we’re worth more now because of all the publicity.” 

he scratches the back of his neck, eyes burning and fingers shaking. “there’ll probably be a dream comeback before a 127 though. gives the illusion of sm letting us heal and recover.” 

eunji hums softly, tapping a couple of keys before continuing. “do you _want_ to resume promoting? whether that be in 127 or in dream?” 

“i don’t know,” donghyuck sighs. he drags his hand across his face. he feels so very tired. “i love my job. i love singing and dancing, but i love doing it with my members. doing it without them doesn’t sit right with me. i don’t even know if i deserve to be on the stage anymore. i mean, i’m the reason why we don’t have a full unit anymore.” 

eunji pauses and pulls herself forward in her chair, adjusting her laptop accordingly. “do you blame yourself, donghyuck-ssi? do you blame yourself for mark-ssi’s injuries?” 

“yes,” he breathes, the word spilling out of his mouth as if it had been burning him. 

“why?” 

“he was sitting in my seat. i always sat in the window seat, but he was sitting there instead of me during the crash.” 

“why was he in your seat?” 

“we were fighting.” 

_(“you’re such a bitch!”_

_“oh yeah, real creative,_ minhyung.” 

_“don’t you dare pull that shit on me, donghyuck. i’m not the one in the wrong here!”_

_“i already apologized, you dick munch. what more do you want from me? want me to go on twitter and air all of our dirty laundry out for the world fucking world to see?”_

_“i wouldn’t be surprised if you did. gotta find_ some _way to soothe your massive ego.”_

 _“oh,_ fuck you. _what happened to sticking together and never leaving, huh?”_

 _“it’s hard for me to keep my promises when you can’t keep yours. do i mean that little to you? do_ we _mean anything to you? do you even love me anymore?”_

_“how could you ask me that? how the fuck could you even think that i don’t love you?”_

_“because i don’t even know how i feel about_ you _anymore!”)_

“what were you fighting about?” 

“we promised not to overwork ourselves and not to lie to each other. i was practicing late at night when mark had schedules, and i ended up passing out from dehydration, and i hit my head on the wall. kun-hyung and sicheng-hyung found me in the morning. i had a mild concussion, and but the doctors told me that it could’ve been a lot worse. mark wasn’t particularly happy with me.” 

_(“it’s not that big of a deal. you know i’ve been having trouble with the ‘go’ choreo. i just needed to hash out a couple more transitions.”_

_“it’s a ‘big deal’ because you went behind my back, hyuck. you waited until i was gone to break your promise to me.”_

_“you’re overreacting. yeah, i should’ve been drinking more water, but i’m fine. it’s just a mild concussion.”_

_“a mild concussion that could’ve been ten times worse if you had hit your head on the table literally one foot away from where you collapsed! you could’ve_ died! _what more do i have to say for that to get through your thick skull?”)_

“so mark-ssi was in your seat because he was upset with you?” 

“the other way around, actually. i sat in his seat and made him climb over me. i like resting my head on the window, and mark doesn’t, so i took his seat to piss him off.” 

eunji doesn’t say anything for a couple of moments. she types a few things, then closes her computer and sets it on her desk, folding her hands in her lap and starting straight at donghyuck. “so…is it safe to say that had you two not been fighting, you would’ve been sitting in the window seat with your head against the window?” 

“probably,” donghyuck murmurs. 

“and the driver crashed into your side of the van?” 

“yes.” 

“so, had you and mark-ssi not been fighting, is it safe to say that you probably would have died in the crash?” 

and there it is. the thought that he had sequestered away in the back of his mind ever since he woke up. the truth that he doesn’t want to face. 

“yes,” he whispers. 

“do you think that should’ve been the case?” 

donghyuck nods, wringing his hands in his lap. “it would’ve been better for everyone.” 

“do you think mark-ssi would agree with you?” eunji asks, voice soft and bereft of judgement. 

donghyuck shrugs. “i’m the one who messed up. i’m the reason he got hurt, the reason he’s probably never gonna wake up again.” his voice cracks on the last few works. 

eunji crosses her legs, eyes still focusing on donghyuck. “do you remember what mark-ssi did right before the crash? you’ve mentioned this to me before.” 

memories donghyuck wishes he could forget flood to the forefront of his mind. 

_(he’s warm and content, his and mark’s argument drifting into the recesses of his mind for the first time in weeks. he’s peaceful, and the van is so quiet—and the next thing he knows, mark’s arms are wrapped around him. he’s burning hot, like a furnace. in the couple of seconds it takes for his mind to wake up, mark whispers a few words into his ear, which he only manages to catch the back half of. “_

_—love you.”_

_and then all he remembers is an explosion of light and glass, eyes burning and pain flaring throughout his entire being.)_

“he hugged me,” donghyuck manages to get out. “he hugged me and told me he loved me.” 

eunji nods, tapping her fingers on her knees. “in doing so, he put his back to the crash, protecting his head and neck against you, while at the same, protecting you as much as he could.” a passing car honks and the sun glares through the window blinds for just a few seconds. 

“mark-ssi probably saw the car coming. he knew he had a few seconds to act, and he decided to spend those few seconds for your benefit,” eunji says gently. “in what he perceived to be his last moments, mark-ssi chose to protect you and let you know that he loves you. him protecting you is more than likely what also saved him.” 

huh. donghyuck doesn’t remember when he started crying, but those are definitely tears running down his cheeks and getting all over the nice rug on the floor. 

“i’m so scared,” he hiccups. “i’m so scared that he’s gonna die and i’m gonna be left alone. i know i still have my group, but i need mark. i _need_ him. i don’t know how to be without him anymore.” 

“i understand, donghyuck-ssi,” eunji soothes. “i’ve been in a position similar to yours. when i was a teenager, my sister was hit by a woman who ran a red light. she died on impact. she had been driving to pick me up from a school activity.” 

eunji takes a deep breath and leans her elbows onto her knees. her gaze is strong and sure, never leaving donghyuck’s form for even a second. “i blamed myself for years and years. it took me seeing my own therapist to realize that i was not the one who put the driver on that road. i was not the one who made her run the red light, and i was not the one who killed my sister. yes, my sister died, but i was not to blame, and my sister would not want me to live the rest of my life believing i had been the reason she died.” 

a shuddering breath rips through donghyuck’s lungs. everything in the office is too bright. 

eunji gives him a small smile, tilting her head ever so slightly to the side. “while i cannot speak for mark-ssi, if he is as amazing and understanding and loving as you’ve told me, then i will bet that he doesn’t blame you either. if anything, he’s probably hurting just as much as you are, since he can’t be there to hold you and to comfort you.” 

a manic-kind-of laugh slips past donghyuck’s lips. he runs his fingers through his hair, body sinking deeper into the couch as a delicate calm settles over the room. “how did you know?” 

“you talk about mark-ssi like i talk about my partner,” eunji says. there’s a affectionate tilt to her tone. “and i love her just as much as you love your partner.” 

“huh,” he says. “so you’re not gonna tell my company? about mark and me?” 

“never. that would be quite hypocritical of me, now wouldn’t it?” 

donghyuck lets a small grin climb onto his lips. “has anyone ever told you how awesome you are?” 

eunji simply picks her computer back up and shoots him a wink. “all the time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi....
> 
> so when i said that that chapter would be out later that week.....hahahahahaha yeah life came up. if i'm gonna be honest, i lost a lot of inspiration for this chapter at first, then i ended up moving out and starting a new job and starting school. these past three months have been sort of a whirlwind for me, and i've only tried to finish the chapter pretty recently. a couple of days ago i got a stroke of inspiration and began writing because lord knows those don't last long with me, and here we are! eunji kinda stole the spotlight, ngl, but i loved writing her character, especially since she's based of my therapist. this chapter can also be known as "allie had way too much fun with italics and parenthesis."
> 
> i'm hoping to make up the lost wait with this mammoth chapter. it has so many different twists and turns, and writing mainly dialogue has always been difficult, so if this chapter seems stilted, that's why. the next update might be pretty far out as well because i've got a lot more i need to balance, but i promise i will update. i'm not gonna abandon this story, no matter how long updates take. 
> 
> if you're still with me, thank you so, so much. i don't deserve y'all, honestly. please remember to take care of yourself during these trying times and know that i'm always here if you need me. love y'all, and stay safe!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this idea bubbling around in my head for months, and i've had the first 5k written since february, so i decided to finally post it. i'll update it every tuesday, as best as i can. i might miss a couple weeks, but i hope to get this done by the end of the year. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/alukaynium)  
> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/book-lover860)


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